View from my backyard tonight :)
I’m standing with my feet in a puddle that rain painted on the steps this morning.
The old wood feels heavier than my memory of it
like it has soaked up a decade of summers and
my wrinkled heels are drinking from the gaps
between the splinters.
I’d like to say I’m growing roots, but the roots are already inside of me
they are the cage that forms my chest cavity
sprouting leaves to swallow
the echoes
(echoes,
echoes) of
my heartbeat.
In April there were daffodils.
I wanted to share them with you,
but ceramic pots are hard to hold onto
so I carried the garden inside of me.
See?
I have a green thumb now.
I know not to be afraid of flowers.
Human connections are weird??
I have this tension between wanting people to like me and needing to hold everyone at arm’s length so they never see me do anything embarrassing that would lessen me in their eyes. I guess I come kind of haughty. And it’s frustrating, because every year I think, I’m going to reinvent myself and I’m going to be warm and social and I’m going to make people understand that I’m not this frigid distant figure. But by the time I resolve to do this everyone in my environment already knows me, or has some concept of me, and I don’t know how to go about changing that concept without appearing fake or artificial or constructed.
This year is the first time since I was thirteen or fourteen that I had a group of friends to hang out with on the regular. It’s the first time I’ve let myself have that. And after texting with one of them last night for over an hour, I realized that they’re not going to be there when I get back to campus in the fall. I finally feel like I have this group belonging, with people who only know me for who I am now and not any of the uncomfortable things about who I was, and it’s already slipping through my fingers.
I’m trying to hold onto the things that make me feel more human, but half the time I don’t know how.
Sometimes I wish I was less anxious, less moody, and more social. I get impatient with myself a lot of the time. But I’m able to look back at periods of my life now and understand why I acted and the felt the way I did, where certain negative patterns came from, and how I’m incrementally turning them into positives.
No person is a statue. We are not human beings; we are human becomings. Even though I’m not everything I want to be—yet—I’ve become proud of the person-in-progress that I am.
(Source: quarians)
Kina Grannis - Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel Cover)
Fantastic Lady Rainy Friday music.
(Source: galaxyofdaisies)
